the storybook cast
Each one has a job, an opinion, and a strong feeling about snacks.
Bullpei · Chief of Security · Big Man on Campus · Kitten Welfare Officer · Animal Supervisor
Briana's bullpei — half bulldog, half shar-pei, all heart. Head of welcoming committee, official greeter, taster of all sunbeams, retired bouncer, current cuddle dispenser. The porch boss. Loyal as the day is long.
Senior Porch Advisor
Distinguished. Whiskered. Slightly cranky in the mornings. Issues advice in long slow blinks. Believes the answer to most things is a quilt, a cup of something warm, and ten more minutes.
The Last of the Cluckshack Crew · Resident of the Soul Cloth Sanctuary
Heather is the one still standing. The Cluckshack used to be full — Betty, Lucy, Ethel, Georgia, and Heather — until Ralph the rat-raccoon started making rounds. After Betty and Lucy were gone, Heather moved herself onto the porch of the Soul Cloth Sanctuary and started going into the empty Cluckshack at night to cry for them. So the Honey Badger cleaned the whole Cluckshack out, made everything new, and started a new ritual: every night Briana picks Heather up, rocks her, talks to her, walks her out personally, tucks her into the bed, and locks the gate. Every morning she lets her out to join the kitties and partake in a little kitty crack (cat food — Heather goes feral for it, same as Jesse James). She still isn't laying eggs. That's okay. She is being loved on. House rule still stands: when you visit, sing it like the B-52's — "Tin roof… rusted!" Heather knows the song. She earned it.
Parakeets · Communications Department
Tiny press secretaries. Frank is the tough one — loyal, protective, and a little wary of the Honey Badger after a beak-flicking misunderstanding. He's held twice on record. Doreen — also known as Dory Green, also known as Miss Green — has never been held, and that's fine by her. Briana sings them their song: Frank and Doreen, Frank and Doreen, Frank and Doreen. They issue official statements at sunrise, sundown, and any time someone walks past the cage.
Grounds Maintenance Supervisor
Quiet helper. Steady mower. Lover of butterflies and a clean fence line. The kind of person whose presence lowers your blood pressure by ten points.
Heavy Equipment Division
Owner of the riding lawn mower. Cheerful, slightly mischievous, and never above a victory lap around the sunflower field. Followed everywhere by at least one chicken.
cats of the Cat Nap Inn
Every cat at the Cat Nap Inn has a story. Some came in skinny and skeptical. Some arrived in cardboard boxes during a thunderstorm. All of them, eventually, learned to nap in the sun.
held, named, and never forgotten
villain of record
wanted at the Cluckshack · last seen at The 99 Retreat
Ralph is the villain of this story. He is the raccoon — really, more of a rat-raccoon, which is worse — who took Ethel and Georgia from the Cluckshack, and then came back for Betty and Lucy. Four of our girls. Four.
He is no longer welcome. We are setting traps. We are not negotiating. We are going to catch Ralph, and — Mr. Alfred would want you to know this — we are going to eat him.
In loving memory of Betty, Lucy, Ethel, and Georgia. Heather is still on the porch. She remembers.
Dispatch from the porch: The other night Briana forgot the strap on the cat food container and woke up to raccoon droppings on the porch. No Ralph in sight — just his calling card. He isn't even being secretive about it. Game on. Oh, Ralph the rat-raccoon wants some of the Honey Badger? It's coming, baby.
